It sucks because every day is a reminder that you do not have a baby. Especially at my age, friends, siblings and cousins are getting married and having children.
It sucks because everything you do, you are thinking about how different it would be if you had a child.
It sucks because it is rare to think about something else. Distractions do not work and life is about procreating, so there really is no escape.
But, the silver lining is the sex. I love sex. It also helps that my husband is very good at it!
When we first started trying, it was great. We would be trying to have more sex than usual (no one in a long term relationship with a full time job has the time or the energy to have sex everyday), and actually that was really fun. Although we were tired after a long day, we would give each other a nice long kiss and we were off! We were in the moment, having fun and just being a happily married couple.
After a year and nothing had happened, I started doing some research to see when would be the best time to have sex. I know we were taught this at school, but to be honest I really wasn’t sure. So, after discovering that the best time to conceive is days 12-17 on your cycle, depending on the length of the cycle, we started thinking a little more about when we were having sex.
Then, we were worrying about how “old” the sperm was and what was the optimum amount of time between sex in order to have the “freshest” sperm. I know it sounds disgusting, but these were honestly the thoughts going through my head. After all these thoughts, research and discussions with my sister who is a medical student, we determined that 2-3 days is optimum (1 day, the sperm won’t be replenished so to speak, more than 3 days and the sperm is getting too old). So, we would have sex day 10 of my cycle and every 2-3 days thereafter.
The moment my period starts (after much crying and wine drinking), I get my calendar out and write down which days we should be having sex.
And that is when it starts. Sex has become a chore. It has become something that we “have to do” at certain times or on certain days. If one of us comes home from work on one of those days and is not feeling up for it, you start feeling guilty or making the other one feel guilty.
Sex is now on the same level as hoovering or doing the laundry. It needs to be done on those days or the next period will come.
It has been 3 years of trying now. I’ve got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, which means that we are still having sex on the optimum days “just in case”.
Having heard horror stories of husbands and wives breaking up over the pressure of baby making because sex has become more of a chore and is no longer enjoyable, I was so worried that this would become an issue in my marriage.
Luckily I have the most understanding and patient husband any wife could wish for. It also helps that he does little things to remind me that he finds me sexy, baby making or not.
For example, he’ll walk into the bathroom while I am having a shower and find an excuse to have a long peak. He’ll randomly grab my boobs and look at me with a huge grin on his face. When I am undressing before bed and getting into my pjs, I sometimes spot the look on his face: lust with a hint of awe.
All that he does may not necessarily lead to sex, but it does remind me that he finds me sexy and desirable whether we are trying for a baby or not and that he would happily have sex with me even if nothing comes of it.
In conclusion, I don’t really have any advice if you view sex as a chore. The reality is that when you are trying to conceive, it fucking is sometimes. But maybe once in a while, have sex even when there is no chance of a baby being produced, but just for the fun of it.