Everything I post on Facebook is a lie.
Most of my friends on Facebook don’t know that I’m currently going through IVF or that I’ve been trying to conceive for 3.5 years.
My husband and I try and go out regularly, see shows, comedians and concerts and basically fill our lives with fun activities. I then post these activities on Facebook with lots of words like “excited”, “thrilled” or “feeling blessed”.
In fact I could not feel farther from these words. These activities are just things to fill the hole in my heart with. They are just a way to try and feel something when I always just feel empty and sad.
And actually attending these events can sometimes make me feel a lot worse. For example, we went to the comedian’s Jon Richardson’s show last month and his whole show revolved around the fact that he is a brand new father and his trials to do with that. Now, in the bio, there was no warning that babies would be the main focus of his show. It took me by complete surprise and I cried all the way home.
And yet, I posted my attendance to this gig on Facebook and wrote about how fun it had been.
My husband and I also go on a big holiday every year and this year was to Mexico. Every day on holiday I posted lots of pictures of us doing amazing things, such as scuba diving:
And we did, it was amazing! Sandy beaches, amazing food and I was lucky to have had this opportunity. But everything I do these days and any happiness that I feel is only fleeting or superficial.
I can’t remember the last time I posted something on Facebook that was real and truthful about my feelings.
I don’t know why I do this.
I could be doing it to try and fill the void. If I look happy on Facebook, then maybe one day I’ll be happy in real life.
Or am I doing to get people to talk to me about my adventures rather than ask me why I’m not pregnant yet?
I don’t know. All I know is that life is hard at the moment, and nobody knows. It also highlights what a load of crap social media is and that lots of people are probably like me, fake on Facebook.
I don’t know how we do this, going about our day to day lives with fake smiles on our faces, but we do. It’s amazing, really. #1in8